Mother, If I Only Knew
by Jatd4ever
Summary: Written, because losing a mother is something I know how to do.(J/G)


***I don't own jane and the dragon is its characters**

 **Written, because losing a mother is something I know how to do.**

* * *

When her body grew cold, they took her away, and I knew it would be the last time I saw her. My mother had died, and I did not know what to do. People like her never got sick, they were above it. Yet, she did, and I could do nothing but watch. I will miss her.

It was a rainy day, death did not like sunshine, it ruined his complexion. I stood there, waiting for her to tell me to come inside, perhaps saying I would catch cold, or something of that the age of almost three and twenty, I became an adult, motherless, and ever more humbled. Gunther stood his distance, he knew I would not appreciate the disturbance of his touch. The only touch I wanted, was of that thin hand, the one soft from age, pale from lack of sunlight.

Why, why did I not know she would die? I thought she was getting better, she had enough energy to scold about my posture, and for once I acquiesced. From the time I had been conscious, and aware that people grow and are, I wondered when could I repeat and return undeserved kindness. Even through it all, I wished I could tell mother of how I lied, how I was selfish, stubborn, even more so, I was a child of worry, concern, and never did she say screw wished I was never born. I kneeled down, and screamed in heart.

 _You said I would kill you with worry, that your heart would stop, and you were right. You were always right, I hated that. Hate is such a strong word, you preferred that I never use it. Yet, I hate myself, for I allowed you to worry and to cry, to suffer from embarrassment and shame_.

Gunther took a step forward when he saw I unsheathed my sword. "Jane" he whispered, his voice echoed like a teardrop.

I let the blade speak for itself, as strands of wet curls fell around me.

 _I could not be the daughter you wanted, but I hope that somehow I was the daughter you needed, even if just a little._

Gunther took my sword, and I let him. I was done fighting those who were not enemies.

 _I will not get to fight with you anymore, but I can still pretend if I close my eyes._

He threw it, far enough for it to disappear, somewhere, anywhere away from me. He knelt down, still not touching me, knowing I could kill him if provoked. His breathing, his presence, enough to sustain me. I needed him, and I was grateful that I had listened to mother's suggestion, she knew what I needed.

 _You will never see me marry him, the man you approved of, or know that if have an adventure you certainly would have disapproved, but I will remember you. I cursed you, yet you loved, in your stern words, in your scoldings, or remarks, you loved. I am sorry, I will try better, be a woman, but be a Knight, one you would have approved of._

With his help, we pushed the mud into place, a little extra to create a mound for good measure.

 _Even as we cover your grave, I will not cry, because I was happy that you were my mother, and I did not kill you, but I know you will not suffer. I forgive your mistakes as you had forgiven mine, and I will miss your anger, and imperfection, your small mindedness, and your touch._

I took his dirty hand into mine, his warmth a welcomed feeling.

 _Perhaps, I will dress more nicely when the occasion calls, and act proper if I need to, but I promise I will be good, even if I cannot be a great woman. I will take care of father, and I will be a dutiful daughter, but I will still be myself, and that will not change. I cannot promise that I would not change, but if I do, I will think of your scolding, and remember that I chose what I want, and I will not do it your way, but it will be fine._

In a few mumbled words, I was in his arms, held as though no Earth, nor stone, nor water, nor death could break us apart. "I am so sorry Jane" he cried, he always was more sentimental, but I loved him because of it.

I could feel, because he would not let me go, nor leave me, until I gave him permission to do so. I could control him if I cared to, but I did not. I would not manipulate him, but care for him in the way in which I was taught, and learned for myself. I would do better, and fail many times, but care for those around me. If only I knew sooner, that I could learn to love and love those around me, to love in the way I never before knew I could.

 _Stubborn, headstrong, and sensitive, and unique. I am a Turnkey, a daughter, and a Knight. I will be a bride, then a wife, and later a mother if I choose to be. Someday, I might even look a little like you._

I took his face in my hands and kissed him as though words never needed saying, showing him how much he meant to me, and whispered his favorite nickname in his ear, because I approved of him more than ever. The weather, as windy, wet, and cold as it was, could not deny, that I would pull through, because of one's like Gunther who were stubborn and struggling like me. We were fighters, and would keep on fighting, even if the world did not change. With his help, I stood, and we walked together to the throne room, where the others were waiting. Since propriety demanded it, we let go of each other's hands, but he knew it would not be for long.

 _In a week, we would marry, nothing would change that. Soon enough, I would never be alone._

It cannot be said when the sadness of my mother would be forgotten, but I will have help through it. Father stood there, with the older knights and they had spoke of what man talked of. He too was sentimental, and Gunther will help him through it. Unclear, like the stormy weather, I sighed, who knew what may before me. I once was a lady in waiting, whom with a Mother's training, helped me dream a better dream.

As a Knight, I too could end up in common man's grave. Then, a repeat of today would happen, with me as the guest of honor in deaths chariot. Pepper broke my thoughts as she handed me a tart, and I welcomed its sweetness. Rake handed me a pear, its softness I also found agreeable. Jester and Smithy offered their brotherly love in the form of hugs, and I was prepared for them.

From across the room, Gunther offered his loving gaze, and I returned it. Soon, the sun would reappear, as though death and life were not a topic of discussion. The days will pass, and in time, it would be spoken again, and I would be wiser. And I will still be Jane, and my life, even when shared, would still be mine. I joined my father and the other knights, their feelings becoming my own, and I could almost smile.

 _One day I will face death, and laugh until it is truly the time. Death, is above me, and I will fight him when he comes, that I too could promise. Mother, you must have known it, why you certainly must have. I am a little bit of you, and I tried to run away from it. I will not do it anymore, because somehow I can live with that. I can live, I will prove to be all I can be someday._


End file.
